Barbara Curtis at Mommy Life, has an interesting reader question and answer thread going on right now. The question relates to whether or not a Christian should be a surrogate mother for an infertile non-Christian friend. Barbara gives her answer and asks for readers’ feedback as well. Barbara then asks her readers for their opinions. My answer turned into a book, so I decided to post it on my blog.

Before going to the details of my answer, I respect Barbara and I read her blog often. While I disagree with her opinion, it does not mean that I respect her any less.

As a life long Christian (my father is a United Methodist minister and I have always known God in my life), as person who has suffered and is suffering from infertility, and as a person who is pro-life, I respectfully disagree with many of the comments on this post.

Infertility is a medical condition. Until you have actually faced the reality of not being able to have your own children, you really do not understand just how truly devastating this can be. Common thoughts, some of which I was even guilty of myself before facing infertility, include:

• How selfish to want the to be pregnant so badly
• I could never go that far (i.e. iui or ivf or more)
• Why don’t they just adopt?
• If God wanted them to have children, they could get pregnant.

The truth of the matter is the desire to procreate is one that is a primal instinct. Once it takes hold of you because you cannot achieve it, it completely absorbs your being. It is all you can think about. You begin to doubt your own value as a woman and a person. You literally ache when you see women walking around who are pregnant. You are jealous of people who have children (especially ones who have more than 1 or 2 children) when you would give almost anything to have 1 child. You are enraged when other people tell you to “just adopt” or “just quit worrying about it and it will happen.” You are also shocked at the carelessness of people when they say you are missing out on God’s greatest gift. You cringe each time someone asks you if you have children, as if being a parent is the only way to identify yourself as an adult in society. Don’t even get me started on what Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and other holidays are like for the person struggling with infertility. Trust me it is painful. During this time, it is so important to be in prayer with God so that you remain faithful and have hope for the future.

I am sure most of your readers use cars to get from place to place. We have used airplanes to fly from city to city. We use electricity to get warm or cool, preserve food, communicate, etc. We use antibiotics when we are sick to get well. We use immunizations to prevent disease. As one of the commenters in the thread said, we use drugs to treat cancer and other deadly diseases. All of these medical advances have always been possible on this Earth that God created. It has taken time to discover the ability to do these things but God made these things possible when He created the Earth.

God gives us free will to choose to do His will or our own. Each modern advance in medicine and science can be used for good or for evil. We can choose to get behind the wheel of the car and drive recklessly turning the car into a deadly weapon. The terrorists turned airplanes into bombs. We can become addicted to drugs and harm our bodies with them. The internet is used for to exploit children. The list goes on and on.

When it comes to infertility treatments, there are ways to use the treatments without creating too many embryos that later may have to be destroyed. The patient has the ability to control how many eggs are fertilized. Sometimes there may only be one or two eggs to fertilize anyway. Controlling the environment in which your unborn child grows and matures to the point of birth is a rather logical desire if you cannot conceive on your own. You know that the baby is growing in the uterus without smoke and drugs. You can share in feeling the baby kick and grow even if it is not in your own body. If you elect to use donor eggs and/or donor sperm to carry a child within your own body, you have even more control.

Yes, there are risks that need to be considered by the surrogate mother and the biological mother. These include making sure contracts are signed up front and are created and implemented through attorneys who have a background in this process. The risks to the surrogate mother and her family need to be evaluated. How much will be revealed to the child at a later date needs to be agreed upon. I am sure there are many more areas to evaluate.

As far as whether or not the child would know God or not later in life, I would think that a sacrifice such as this on the surrogate’s part may actually bring God into the life of the infertile mother.

Advanced artificial reproductive treatments are not for everyone. Adoption is a wonderful alternative to being pregnant. You are still a parent and ultimately that is the end goal. While adoption can be costly, there are even alternatives to adoption through state agencies that are alternatives to costly adoption. Also, many infertile couples ultimately decide to live a childless life. This, too, is a viable and real alternative to infertility treatments as well.

My point is, that it is easy G0d created the ability to use ivf and surrogacy when He created the world. How we use the gifts that God gave us and whether we use these gifts for good or evil needs to be closely evaluated. I would encourage the woman who is considering being a surrogate, to talk not just to her family and friend but also to her OB/Gyn, the Reproductive Endocrinologist, her own attorney, and most importantly pastor and God about all the possibilities and consequences of her actions. She should be in prayer with God so that the decision that she makes is the one God would want her to make.

Oh, and just for the record, I personally have never done IVF, donor egg, donor sperm, or surrogates. My husband and I went through 8 IUI (aka artificial insemination) which resulted in 1 successful full term pregnancy of our twins, 1 unsuccessful pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, and 6 failed attempts.

I am sure there are some who agree with me and some who disagree with me. Feel free to leave your comments below. I’d be interested in your opinions as well.